Patti is back guest posting for us today. This is a topic we can all relate to! Patti is a wife, mother and artist who really knows how to rock a camel hair sweater!

I remember it like it was yesterday: I was about 11 years old and I was at my neighbor’s house to play. Her brother said, “Is that a camel hair sweater you’re wearing? It must be, because it has 2 humps”. As embarrassing as that was, it was also very exciting, because that was the day I first realized that I was finally ready for that magical item all girls dream of: My first bra! I broke the news to my mom that the sisters needed a home, and off we went to the store. I, like most of you, started out with the basics: A few sets of glorified underoos (I specifically remember a set that was green with fairies on the boobies….boobie fairies), and lots of sets that had way too many pink bows involved. Nonetheless, it was exciting at the time and it made me feel so mature. I used to wear shirts with the wide, boat-neck collars, just so my straps could “accidentally” be seen. Of course I wanted the whole neighborhood to know that I was a woman now. The real deal.

Well, by the time I hit the high school/college years, my attitude had changed and I couldn’t wait to get the stupid things off. By then, of course, most of us were in what bra manufacturers call “under wire”, but what most of us who have to wear them refer to as “devices of torture”. Once I crossed the threshold into the safety of my apartment/room, I would take that thing off as fast as I could and set the girls free. Nothing feels quite as good as taking off your bra after a long day of that barbed wire digging into your skin. I could be carrying my backpack, purse, and car keys, and still get that thing off in 2 seconds flat, one-handed with my shirt still on. Most teenage boys would kill for that kind of dexterity.

Fast-forward once again to pregnancy. Are there even any words to describe what happens to the sisters then? If you ask a man, he will get a huge smile on his face from the mammaries, I mean memories…but for the woman, it is a totally different story. The sisters get fat and sore as hell. It’s like your cute, perky girls have been replaced by big, heavy, hot lava rocks. Bra shopping becomes entirely different during these bountiful months. You have to buy ginormous, ugly-ass brassieres (isn’t that the only word for bra’s of this caliber?) that are made from industrial strength elastic and have at least 10 hooks per row in the back. That cute little lace number you had with the front hook? Not even remotely possible here. Simple physics. And once you have the baby, it gets even worse! They get bigger, they throb, they burn, and they feel like they are going to explode. Your one desire in life is to set them free, but you can’t. You still have to wear the industrial strength bras, but with the added sexiness and comfort of a feeding flap, which usually contains a disposable leak pad. Here comes momma!

Just when you are positive that you have seen the worst trauma that could possibly befall the sisters, it happens: you are finished breast-feeding. You are so relieved that it’s finally over! The girls are back, but you quickly realize that they will never be the same again. They’ve been put through the wringer, so to speak, and they have not come out of it well. Not well at all.

Now what? We are too tired and too busy to worry about it. We put our pre-baby bras back on and hope for the best. That is, until we watch Oprah. Oprah is obsessed with boobs. She seems to always be having those “very special boobie episodes” in which they take some big woman with the droopy boobs, and make her look like a hot momma with a size 4 waist. These episodes are an inspiration to us all, and after years of talking about it, I finally decided to do it. I took 2 girlfriends with me to get our girls lifted back up where they belong.

My friends Jennifer Papka and Kim Rauch agreed to go with me on a field trip to a store called The Bra Specialist. We were enthusiastically greeted by our wonderful bra expert, Sharde. This girl knows here boobies!

We told her that we wanted maximum lift and separation. No back-fat or uni-boob’s allowed. She measured each of us, and not one of us was the size that we thought we were. Not even close. We were all off in cup size, as well as band size. WAY OFF! I think we each tried on about 20 bras, and since we are all different sizes, with different needs, we all ended up loving different bras. My new favorite is called The Bra-llelujah Bra. I LOVE IT! It is made by Spanx…need I say more? If Spanx can make your bottom half look 2 sizes smaller, as well as hard as a rock, then surely they can organize your top half. I have honestly been telling every woman I see all about it. It is a mammary masterpiece. We all felt so much better in our new bras, and I now believe that Oprah was right yet again, when she said that the right bra can make you look thinner. It is definitely true. We all left with big smiles on our faces, partly from being felt up, and partly from getting such comfortable bras. I haven’t been this excited about my sisters since the fairy-boobie underoos.

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